Heyyyyyyyy...heyyy....RIGHT ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM IM FINE NOW i had a proper rant in my last entry but i was also on my period so we gotta take these things with a grain of salt. I try to treat this page as though it never gets read, it's anonymous and all plus i feel like if i imagine people reading it i wont be honest with myself, and i need that.

So, i've been doing some work the past couple days and managed to completely change the aesthetic of the website! i prefer it for the summer, it feels brihter and more me :] im considering making seasonal themes but we'll cross that bridge once i actually impliment more content. That is gonna be my next focus i believe, i wanna finish up the home page and then work on the sidebar content for this page - struggling with ideas to fill the space atm :/

In other news it's my birthday week! my birthday is sunday and im having a party on saturday which im very excite for - i share a birthday with my friend dio so im SUPER excited for that, i get to meet some of his friends too! it's been an incredibly busy month so far, emotionally and physically (theres also a giant heatwave rn) so in a way im sort of excited for my birthday to be over so i can just work on coding and listen to the magnus archives. i actually think once ive finished content here im gonna start on a shrines page heheheheheheh magnussss...MUCH TO COME!!!!1 MARK YOUR CALENDARS!!

First of all NEW WEBSITE LAYOUT!! This one feels much more personal to me and my style so im very happy with it.

I've sort of flip flopped in my emotions the past few days - i have a conditions which causes my emotions to be significantly hightened due to my periods and i just started whhich probably explains it, but nonetheless the big emotions are there and they hurt a lot. I love being an emotional person, i love how deeply i can feel about things and people. I never used to feel much, i feel so alive now. But i hate the things it's cost me and the people i've lost because of it; went through a sort of breakup recently and one thing i can't get out of my head is the excuse line. The idea that i make excuses for anxious thoughts by telling people im anxious, and that it's something that is unfair to be in a relationship.

I suppose the concern with that is that despite medication, counselling, and intense amounts of retail therapy, i have always been anxious. Is the expectation that i no longer seek connections? Is that fairer? I suppose in the grand scheme of things it is, no matter how you slice it, it's a burden to put onto someone in a relationship. I keep thinking about how i lost some incredible people by being the way i am, but at the same time they probably weren't my people. Doesn't make it any easier. I want so badly to be loved wiithout conditions, but im so scared of losing everything that i often seem to push away everything. When i look around my room i have souveniers of love decorating every wall but nothing seems to stick. I dont want to just accept that this is the way i am and that it wont change, but I think it'll take time - the question is what do i do in that time? Wallow? It's not even some desperate need for a relationship, more so a frustration with myself.

I've not really talked to anyone about this, i suppose that's why it's been building. I truly was fine for a while but it all seemed to hit me recently. Again probably period but still, feels shit. I guess for now the plan is to keep busy. I dont normally process these things honestly - i havent been single for more than 2 months in over 3 years, and i never really let myself figure out how to navigate adulthood alone. I imagine thats the first step. I dont think i want to stop feeling, but i want to stop this. I just dont know if that's something i have the capacity for, but that's something i'll have to figure out.

Hello! First post super crazy style omg 0-0 super excited to be working on stuff - i feel like web design is so vast and personal so it'll hopefully be a good creative outlet for me! I only really started this website a couple days ago but i have to say i really hope the motivation stays the same :] approaching July is my birthday month (what r u getting me >:]) which often means the approach of a slight mental breakdown regarding my future and aging etc. My hope is that with a creative outlet and people around me i'll cope a little better hehe.

Considering everything i'm in a pretty good place - had some rough patches this month but i really feel a bit of a reset coming on this month. Aiming to clean my room too so hoepfully i can go into July completely fresh. I suppose plans going foreward and kinda vauge? getting the bare bones of the website working for sure, and hopefully adding in some ranty pages. My main interest is design and making everything pretty, but i'll try to remember content as much as i can!! Excited to see what i do hehe. BYE!