hello hello hello!!!! It's been a minute since i've written a blog post but im hoping to get back into it a little more now that uni's started up again and i would rather do this than that OH YEAH!!! In all seriousness i am attempting to lock in but in the first few early weeks of uni im probably gonna be better off entertaining myself so i dont drop out.
SO i had a nice august, i went to ireland which was an incredible experience and managed to make me quite angry which i suppose is good for my course but it really threw me off for a couple weeks. I could go on a huge political rant but its probably best i dont!!! LOL!! i had a bit less of an excitin september. Actually now i think about it ireland was in september. everythings been somewhat of a blur the last couple months.

Sometimes you dont realise how badly you're doing until you're out of it and then you realise you were barely existing, which is definitly what happened to me. i think in an attempt to block out how many heavy emotions i was having this year i threw myself into a lot of distractions, but now that those are gone im actually having to process that stuff which i did NOT want to do!!! That being said im working on it and i like to think im getting better.

I've been trying to do more things that make me happy, i cleaned my room again but its starting to get a little messy so hoping i can manage that better, but overall feeling a little more positive as im able to recognise when im entering a down period.

HI! been a minute since i did a post but i've been somewhat busy, more so in a mental sense but i've been getting out more which has been nice :]] MY BIRTHDAY WAS GOOD thank you for asking - we had a very good night and we watched the stars as we counted down to midnight, it was the best.

i finished a game today called 'We Know The Devil, it's an incredible visual novel and i highly encourage playing! it's been sitting with me for a few hours now and at the core of the angsty queer humourous horror there's such a key focus on friendship.

I realised recently that i never really had friends before, not like i do now at least. I never made friends when i was younger because i figured it would sort of inevitably end, and then going into secondary school began the teenage cycle of hanging out with a group of people who kinda sorta like you - mainly as a defense mechanism against everyone else. College was the worst for me with the beggining of my eating disorder and hightened anxiety, which were probably at their most severe suring that time. Mix that with some desperation and a sticky wetherspoons table and thats pretty much the experience i had.

The sticky tables have persisted, and yet i find myself so at peace in a way i never have before, i suppose its that feeling of security which has allowed me to realise how insecure i've felt for my entire life. i think it's so easy to fall into the mental state of not relying on others, it's safer and makes your problems your own, not a burden and not a bother. And while it may feel that way for a long time, i dont think it's sustainable - the introduction of truly caring people into my life has been a total shock to the system in ways i wouldn't have expected but i couldn't be more grateful for it. when i finished we know the devil, i was left with the knowledge that there were multiple people around me who i felt that close to. They might not come in threes or wear matching shirts but they're there, and they're not few, but many. That sort of closeness and connection i'm able to feel with a totally seperate consiousness to mine is a concept so beautifully taken for granted everytime i wake up.

i believe that if the devil came tonight, i have friends who would pick up the pieces of me at dawn, and know just how to fit them together again. And it's for that reason she comes for me no more - i dont know the devil.

Heyyyyyyyy...heyyy....RIGHT ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM IM FINE NOW i had a proper rant in my last entry but i was also on my period so we gotta take these things with a grain of salt. I try to treat this page as though it never gets read, it's anonymous and all plus i feel like if i imagine people reading it i wont be honest with myself, and i need that.

So, i've been doing some work the past couple days and managed to completely change the aesthetic of the website! i prefer it for the summer, it feels brihter and more me :] im considering making seasonal themes but we'll cross that bridge once i actually impliment more content. That is gonna be my next focus i believe, i wanna finish up the home page and then work on the sidebar content for this page - struggling with ideas to fill the space atm :/

In other news it's my birthday week! my birthday is sunday and im having a party on saturday which im very excite for - i share a birthday with my friend dio so im SUPER excited for that, i get to meet some of his friends too! it's been an incredibly busy month so far, emotionally and physically (theres also a giant heatwave rn) so in a way im sort of excited for my birthday to be over so i can just work on coding and listen to the magnus archives. i actually think once ive finished content here im gonna start on a shrines page heheheheheheh magnussss...MUCH TO COME!!!!1 MARK YOUR CALENDARS!!

First of all NEW WEBSITE LAYOUT!! This one feels much more personal to me and my style so im very happy with it.

I've sort of flip flopped in my emotions the past few days - i have a conditions which causes my emotions to be significantly hightened due to my periods and i just started whhich probably explains it, but nonetheless the big emotions are there and they hurt a lot. I love being an emotional person, i love how deeply i can feel about things and people. I never used to feel much, i feel so alive now. But i hate the things it's cost me and the people i've lost because of it; went through a sort of breakup recently and one thing i can't get out of my head is the excuse line. The idea that i make excuses for anxious thoughts by telling people im anxious, and that it's something that is unfair to be in a relationship.

I suppose the concern with that is that despite medication, counselling, and intense amounts of retail therapy, i have always been anxious. Is the expectation that i no longer seek connections? Is that fairer? I suppose in the grand scheme of things it is, no matter how you slice it, it's a burden to put onto someone in a relationship. I keep thinking about how i lost some incredible people by being the way i am, but at the same time they probably weren't my people. Doesn't make it any easier. I want so badly to be loved wiithout conditions, but im so scared of losing everything that i often seem to push away everything. When i look around my room i have souveniers of love decorating every wall but nothing seems to stick. I dont want to just accept that this is the way i am and that it wont change, but I think it'll take time - the question is what do i do in that time? Wallow? It's not even some desperate need for a relationship, more so a frustration with myself.

I've not really talked to anyone about this, i suppose that's why it's been building. I truly was fine for a while but it all seemed to hit me recently. Again probably period but still, feels shit. I guess for now the plan is to keep busy. I dont normally process these things honestly - i havent been single for more than 2 months in over 3 years, and i never really let myself figure out how to navigate adulthood alone. I imagine thats the first step. I dont think i want to stop feeling, but i want to stop this. I just dont know if that's something i have the capacity for, but that's something i'll have to figure out.

Hello! First post super crazy style omg 0-0 super excited to be working on stuff - i feel like web design is so vast and personal so it'll hopefully be a good creative outlet for me! I only really started this website a couple days ago but i have to say i really hope the motivation stays the same :] approaching July is my birthday month (what r u getting me >:]) which often means the approach of a slight mental breakdown regarding my future and aging etc. My hope is that with a creative outlet and people around me i'll cope a little better hehe.

Considering everything i'm in a pretty good place - had some rough patches this month but i really feel a bit of a reset coming on this month. Aiming to clean my room too so hoepfully i can go into July completely fresh. I suppose plans going foreward and kinda vauge? getting the bare bones of the website working for sure, and hopefully adding in some ranty pages. My main interest is design and making everything pretty, but i'll try to remember content as much as i can!! Excited to see what i do hehe. BYE!

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